Wait, what do i do?! Ahhhhhh!

So i haven't written in over a month, life has just been weird. I don't know if anyone even reads this thing, but it's a good place to write i guess.

So lately i have just really been struggling with trying to figure out God's will. I know that is never an easy thing to do, but i just don't understand. I'm just feeling like He doesn't want me to do anything i want to do lately. Like i will pray over something for a while and really be asking God to help me out and then everything goes the complete opposite of the way i think it will.

Like i tried out for musical again this, hoping for a bigger part, and the day before i lost my voice completely. I auditioned while being sick, and basically i sucked. So i got chorus again (an extra pretty much) and now i am not so sure that i want to do it. Not because i am a bad sport and i am upset about the part i got, but because i could spend my time more productively by getting a job or something. Is that what God wants? Is that why i was sick when i auditioned?

Then today, i did something which i have been looking forward to for months. It was our schools blood drive. So i was really excited, and i had been getting lots of iron, eating healthily, and drinking a ton of water. And i mean A TON. So i get there for my time slot and it was running behind, so i sat there for about three hours waiting, getting more and more excited. Then i finally get in my chair and they get the needle out and get ready to put it in my vein. But where was my vain? Apparently it was too small, and they needed to do a vein check. But no one wanted to do it, so they let me go. I asked them to at least try and they said no.

I mean i am sure i'll have my chance again, but why couldn't i do this? I know i had nothing to do with it, but it still hits me as a personal failure. All of it. The musical, the blood drive, everything.

I'm at a point where i have absolutely no idea what God wants me to do. Was i wanting to do these things with the wrong motives? Maybe my desires aren't matching up with God's.

Ugh.